Traditionalists the world over will be pleased to hear the news that has just come in that Pope Benedict XVI plans to bring back the sedia gestatoria during his upcoming visit to Britain.

Twelve Anglican bishops dressed in scarlet will carry his chair into the Houses of Parliament where he will give a speech to the assembled houses. The peacock fans will be carried by Princes Charles and Andrew with the train of the Pope’s cappa magna being borne by heirs to the throne– Princes William and Harry.

Her Majesty the Queen and her consort the Duke of Edinburgh will swear fealty and allegiance to the bearer of the triple crown and through letters patent and royal decree return all properties, lands, buildings and wealth which was purloined by her predecessor King Henry VIII. Interest on all earnings on the lands and buildings for the last 500 years will be paid in full to the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales.

After the speech the Queen and members of the Royal Family as well as the twelve most senior Bishops of the Church of England will walk barefoot in procession before the sedia gestatoria from Parliament Square to the site of the Tyburn Tree where a public ceremony of repentance and submission to the Holy See will take place. The Most Reverend Rowan Atkinson, Archbishop of Canterbury, will sing a Welsh ballad.

Ordinary Catholics may line the streets and place flowers along the processional route. Proper attire will be required by all attendees. Knee breeches, yellow stockings and buckled shoes for gentlemen. Frock coats with linen shirts are required while members of Scottish Catholic clans may wear the tartan. Chapeaux with the ostrich plume may be worn by members of the equestrian orders and the Knights of the Papal Household, while the Tam O’Shanter may be worn by the wee lairds of Loch Mucus of the Highland Three. Knights of the Girdle and Garter may wear the purple sash and the knee buckle loose. Swords planchain are to be sheathed while the dulled dirk shall remain unbound.

Noblewomen may wear the satin. Sandals of any kind are forbidden, sleeveless dresses are banned and the mantilla required for females over the age of accountability.

No T-Shirts, flip flops, shorts or sneakers.

Fast food, alcoholic beverages, chewing gum, glass containers, dive bombing into the pool and heavy petting is not allowed.

Please use the waste paper baskets, and mind the gap. Please mind the gap.