Slubgrip on Relativism

The demon Slubgrip has been demoted to teach Popular Culture 101 at Bowelbages University in hell. Here he is holding forth on the delights of relativism:

Chamber 101

Bell clanging. Door slams. Crowd voices and movement. Slubgrip:

Grimwort, I rely on you to get these slime worms in line. Instead, I arrive a few minutes late, only to find them slouching, squelching and oozing in a disgusting manner. If you can’t be a bit sharper and wield the fork with a bit of finesse I’ll find another associate.

Now then, nematodes. I’m going to stretch those poor brains of yours with a touch of philosophy. I know it is a yawn for you, but if you don’t do the foundations, you’ll never understand the filigree.

Last week I explained relativism. Everything else we do is built on it, and we couldn’t get this first lie across without the help of what the mortals call “higher education.” You may think our great successes are in the brothels, beer halls and betting shops, but all of that is small change compared to the triumphs we have achieved in the exalted heights of academe—the quads and squares of Oxbridge and the ivory towers of the Ivy League.

The fact of the matter is, we won control of their higher education long ago, and with this, everything else in their popular culture has tumbled like dominoes. You would have thought that higher education couldn’t stand up if there were no such thing as truth. You might say, “no truth, no learning,” but we’ve side-stepped that little difficulty and turned relativism into a virtual industry. You see, once there is no truth, there is an enormous amount of academic-type work to be done constantly dismantling all the “truth” that’s out there and discussing what “might be true in a particular situation.”

Let me tell you, it’s not easy keeping the relativism show on the road. This ludicrous “truth” thing keeps popping up its ugly head. In addition to our work in the universities we attack the concept of “truth” from every angle. We do this through a multitude of philosophic sub-categories which we will consider in the rest of this course.

What’s that, Slurge? Yes, I did use the word “truth” a moment ago; however, what I meant by it was only metaphorical. I used the word “truth” as if it might in some metaphorical sense have “meaning.” I was not implying that there is any such thing as objective truth. You and I know that there is no such thing, and therefore my use of the word, was only, as it were, a turn of phrase.

How dare you come up with that idiotic argument, saying, “But if there’s no such thing as truth, how do we know that the statement ‘there’s no such thing as truth’ is true?” Slurge, I thought you were cleverer than that. That question is simply a case of semantics. You’re playing with words and abstract concepts that have no meaning. It’s sophomoric mumbo jumbo and I won’t dignify it with a response.

Let’s get back to the point. Remember, worms, relativism begins with moral relativism and moves to philosophical relativism. Get them to compromise their morals and before long they will compromise everything.

During the rest of the course we’ll discuss how to weave relativism into practically everything you touch in popular culture. It’s a fine art, my dear flukes and annelids. Master it, and you may pass the exams and move up to the crustacean class. Why, one day you may even ascend to the heights of master like me, your dear professor. There’s the bell. Class dismissed.

Noise of gruntings, shoving and snorting as the students leave the class. Slubgrip calls above the rumble of the rabble: