The liturgy for the welcoming of President Obama to Notre Dame has just been leaked:
Remember: SAY THE BLACK. DO THE RED.
The people shall gather in a suitable meeting place where a stage shall be erected. On the stage shall be placed potted palms. Of considerable size. There shall be a podium. At the back of the stage shall be Corinthian columns. They may be made of fiberglass or another lightweight material.
Outside the meeting place, along the processional route worshippers with palms shall gather. Security forces shall exclude all protestors. For security reasons. An atmosphere of joyous anticipation shall be produced with the singing of psalms or some other suitable anthems of a celebratory nature like ‘We Can Make a Difference’ or ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ or the Barney theme song.
As the motorcade arrives palms should be waved along with national flags. A band may play military music or some other rousing tunes like ‘Hail Hail the Gang’s All Here’ or the theme from Star Wars.
The Presidential person’s stretch limo shall stop.
The Presidential person of the University shall step forward. The Presidential person shall step from his limo.
Presidential Person Jenkins (for it is he): Good Morning Mr President
Presidential Person Obama (or other visiting Prez) Good Morning Mr President
The two Presidential Persons shall walk together up the red carpet and enter the meeting place. The people inside should cheer and clap. Weeping and fainting will also be permitted at this point.
The President shall ascend the platform and shake hands with Father Folkmass, Sister Sandals and other important representatives of the Catholic religion. The President shall then begin the Litany of Self Affirmation.
President: We can Make a Difference
People: Yes we Can!
President: We Shall Overcome!
People: Yes we Can!
President: Children are a punishment!
People: Yes they are!
President: But you are not a punishment.
People: No, we’re not!
President: Together we can change the world!
People: Yes, we can!
President: Do you want to give me an honorary Doctorate now?
People: Yes we do!
The people then hug one another as a sign of their self affirmation.
The liturgy continues with the ministry of the word. Actresses shall recite excerpts from The Vagina Monologues while rainbow banners are unfurled from the ceiling. A drama may be performed, or a joyful liturgical dance may now take place. This could portray the President’s great victory in the recent election, or a similar cultural revolution of historic magnitude. (Like the election of Jimmy Carter)
The President shall then read from a teleprompter and inspire the people.
The liturgy shall continue as the President is given an honorary doctorate, a certificate of merit from Planned Parenthood, a $50.00 gift card to the local bowling alley, a ticket to the special Olympics and a box of 25 DVDs.
President: (to the graduates) You may now throw your funny flat hats with tassels in the air.
Graduates: Yes we can!
Graduates now throw mortarboards in the air.
I fear that you may be arrested for such blasphemy. However, I must admit I chuckled all the way through.
Sorry… I did not find this funny.However, keep up the good work Fr. I enjoy reading your blog (most of the time)
Wow, the scathing sarcasm, howeverunsettling, is most appropriate!Still, the constant “messiah”references made by most detractorsare equally disturbing AND incorrect:1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington,D.C., is where a PHARAOH resides.THE Battle has just BEGUN, and GOD, is GREATER!http://all4webs.com/q/f/love4yahweh
Feeling very ill.
Perhaps one of the presidents could toss free condoms while walking up to the podium? Do you think he will arrive in a green-friendly limo? You mentioned that protesters will not be allowed but does this include those still protesting former president Bush and the Iraq war? On a related note, I was on the ND campus the day Obama was inaugurated and the campus essentially came to a stand-still for his speech. There was an awful lot of gushing and applause from both faculty and students (and, no doubt, administrators). Pathetic. When will the bishop have the guts to pull the Catholic plug.
And maybe the campus could organize a series of academic panels to coincide with President Obama’s commencement address. Topics, delivered by ND faculty might include: “The Benefits of Killing Human Embryos,””How to Maintain a “Catholic” University’s status while abandoning the Faith” (Fr. Hesburgh should deliver this one), “How to determine through illegal questions whether perspective faculty are devoutly Catholic and eliminate those that are” (I happen to have first-hand knowledge that ND is very good at this).
You left out the following parts of the litany:Pres: “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for!”All: “Yes, we are!”Pres: “A light came down from above and you voted for me!” All: “Yes, we did!”Pres: “I have become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to our best traditions.”All: “Yes, you have!”But other than that, you are so on target, Father.
This is total nonsense! Why do people waste time posting such crap?
Hilarious as always, Fr.! You have a very clever muse!Would you consider adding the Share This widget to your blog posts? It would make sharing the content much easier! I’d love to pass this particular gem around…
Odd, I keep looking for the sarcasm but only find what can be reasonably expected. What am I missing?
Jennifer. Done. That was easy!
I’m with Subvet – was this satire? Because frankly, it’s what I expect of Notre Dame now, unfortunately.Afro Seminarian, perhaps this isn’t funny because it is uncomfortably close to the truth.
I don’t care if his name was Adalbert Hipplethwaite IV, anyone with the policies of our current President deserves this sort of sarcasm.
I want to be in attendance just so I can hear the Star Wars theme.The Darth Vader theme would be more suitable though.
Isn’t about time that the bishops showed they have some cojones by excommunicating Biden, Sibelius, Pelosi, et al.?
No, not the Darth Vader theme, “Night on Bald Mountain” by Mussorgsky.
Is the author of the ALVPP in the 7th or the 8th grade?
And thus ever shall our new Ayatollah Barack Hussein Obama be venerated and Christianity becomes nothing more than a blip on the radar screen of history.
This is much too close to the truth, lol, but funny 🙂
I thought it was amusing but I am also rather sad as this is very likely how it will be!Notre Dame U should be ashamed of themselves.
LOLz!! Spot on, Father 🙂 *cringes at hippie-nun reference*They’re everywhere!!
“Sorry… I did not find this funny.”I’m with Afro Seminarian on this one. This piece is sad. If my kids ever want to go to ND they’d better get a scholarship ’cause dad’s not gonna pay a dime.
Will they be passing out holy cards with prayers for his beatification?Seriously, It is so very tragic that the name of Our Lady must be drug threw the mud once again. Lord, have mercy on them, for they know not what they do.
If I don’t laugh, I will cry. Yet, ND sold its soul many years ago. The greatest miracle would be for alumni to stop sending money. Will Nancy Pelosi be doing liturgical dance?
Funny–but so close to the truth…
Most Rev. Gregori, in all seriousness, no matter what justification is pushed, be sure:This is a bitter, bitter slap inthe face of the faithful, ESPECIALLYClergy-members. Still, Rev. Gregori,As The Lord God lives, as The LordGod lives, AS THE LORD GOD LIVES:THE Victory, WILL be HIS!http://www.all4webs.com/q/f/love4yahweh/
Make sure the DVD’s are PAL or SECAMhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PAL
You forgot the TOTUS!!!! (Teleprompter of the United States). What role for it?
Postmodern garbage is not the only thing happening on the ND campus. Check out the Notre Dame Center for Ethics and Culture
I loved it! I wouldn’t be surprised to see a similiar scenario on CNN one day.
Nothing short of hilarious!
I looked more at the culture and ethics link. Francis Beckwith is on the board of advisors including Mary Ann Glendon.The literature recommendations are fascinating to me. I’d say – this was meant as a plug for the future of the school, a sort of silver lining? I think if this is the undercurrent at the university perhaps what your are witnessing is the last ditch attempt of the evil one biting the heels of our lady while the victory is one by her son! I wouldn’t fret about Notre Dame, time is on the right side.JennEI am getting a good laugh! Thanks Fr L, love the new look and funny posts!
Father Jenkins says his Prayers“Hail Mary…Full of Grace”I HAD to lighten up this place.We need to be a more like… DukeNo sin , no dogma, no rebuke…The occasional… sex workers show…We call it…“dialogue, you know.“The Lord is with thee”…heh!, congratulationsBut OBAMA accepted MY invitation.The Messiah is coming..oops, no, not your Son!The Newly Elected Perfect One.We’re swooning that he’ll come to see us!“Blah..Blah..Fruit of thy Womb Jesus.”“Holy Mary..Mother of God!”Silence each stupid whining clod.Can’t they see the stupendous HONOR?Why all this Pro-life noise and bother?That baby retard..born alive…Did You really mean him to survive?“Pray for us Sinners”..but cut some slack…We want the pews and coffers packed.Don’t burden them with moral choicesOr upset them with those preachy voices.That tiny being in the sonogramIf…. inconvenient..suck, crush, and slam.“Hail Mary…Mother of God…”Please don’t complicate my job.I’m making Notre Dame so cool.The hippest Catholic “inclusive” school.Obama! Obama! He deigns to receive us!And, frankly, his speeches are more moving than Jesus’…Hmmm-m…Maybe Obama could be… sculpted in brassAnd kept on the altar…for when we say Mass.