The liturgy for the welcoming of President Obama to Notre Dame has just been leaked:


The people shall gather in a suitable meeting place where a stage shall be erected. On the stage shall be placed potted palms. Of considerable size. There shall be a podium. At the back of the stage shall be Corinthian columns. They may be made of fiberglass or another lightweight material.

Outside the meeting place, along the processional route worshippers with palms shall gather. Security forces shall exclude all protestors. For security reasons. An atmosphere of joyous anticipation shall be produced with the singing of psalms or some other suitable anthems of a celebratory nature like ‘We Can Make a Difference’ or ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ or the Barney theme song. 

As the motorcade arrives palms should be waved along with national flags. A band may play military music or some other rousing tunes like ‘Hail Hail the Gang’s All Here’ or the theme from Star Wars.

The Presidential person’s stretch limo shall stop.

The Presidential person of the University shall step forward. The Presidential person shall step from his limo.

Presidential Person Jenkins (for it is he): Good Morning Mr President
Presidential Person Obama (or other visiting Prez) Good Morning Mr President
The two Presidential Persons shall walk together up the red carpet and enter the meeting place. The people inside should cheer and clap. Weeping and fainting will also be permitted at this point.

The President shall ascend the platform and shake hands with Father Folkmass, Sister Sandals and other important representatives of the Catholic religion. The President shall then begin the Litany of Self Affirmation.

President: We can Make a Difference
People: Yes we Can!
President: We Shall Overcome!
People: Yes we Can!
President: Children are a punishment!
People: Yes they are!
President: But you are not a punishment.
People: No, we’re not!
President: Together we can change the world!
People: Yes, we can!
President: Do you want to give me an honorary Doctorate now?
People: Yes we do!
The people then hug one another as a sign of their self affirmation. 

The liturgy continues with the ministry of the word. Actresses shall recite excerpts from The Vagina Monologues while rainbow banners are unfurled from the ceiling. A drama may be performed, or a joyful liturgical dance may now take place. This could portray the President’s great victory in the recent election, or a similar cultural revolution of historic magnitude. (Like the election of Jimmy Carter)

The President shall then read from a teleprompter and inspire the people.

The liturgy shall continue as the President is given an honorary doctorate, a certificate of merit from Planned Parenthood, a $50.00 gift card to the local bowling alley, a ticket to the special Olympics and a box of 25 DVDs.

President: (to the graduates) You may now throw your funny flat hats with tassels in the air.
Graduates: Yes we can!
Graduates now throw mortarboards in the air.