In a previous post I spoke about the evils of divorce, and a couple of people commented on the tough cases. They agreed with me about the evils of divorce, but said sometimes the relationship and family life is so terribly awful that divorce is the only option.
I am certainly sympathetic to such appeals, and I know how very terrible family life can be when one partner in the marriage is insane or addicted or just plain evil. When there is drunken-ness and violence and insanity and evil what’s the victim to do?
First, what would it be like if we really, really took those marriage vows seriously? What if we regarded them as sacred vows when we were dating, when we were engaged, when we were saying the vows, and when we were in a marriage? What if all along the way we read those awesome words, “To love and to cherish, for richer for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part” and we really took them absolutely literally and seriously?
Well, first of all we would be a heck of a lot more careful about who we married. We would marry with our eyes wide open. We would check that other person out. We’d check out their family. We’d check out their values. We’d check out their mental health. We’d check out their drinking habits. We’d check out what their old girlfriend or boyfriend had to say about them. If this is really for life and really for better or for worse, we’d get rid of all the starry eyed romance of pretty dresses and ‘princess for a day’. We’d get rid of all the dumb erotic attractions that men have (which are usually only an infantile need to be mothered) and we’d be shrewd and careful and if the right person never came along we’d embrace celilbacy and count ourselves lucky.
Secondly, if we really took the marriage vows seriously then we would not even contemplate the possiblity of divorce. Did we end up with poorer rather than richer? Bad luck. Learn to be poor. Did we end up with worse rather than better? Well, hardship comes to everyone. Grin and bear it. Did we end up with sickness not health? Good, now we can learn to minister and care for a sick person. If we really took the ’til death do us part’ line seriously then we would be far more realistic and far less likely to look for an easy escape once things started to get tough.
Third, let’s say the marriage really is hell. Let’s say that the man really is a drunken, violent brute or the woman really is an insanely jealous virago. What if it really does reach breaking point? Is divorce an option?
Not really. We have to ask why a person needs to get divorced. What does a divorce accomplish that cannot be accomplished with a permanent legal separation? A legal separation can establish all the safeguards and financial needs just like a divorce. So why get the divorce? It can only be that one of the partners wants to marry again. For Catholics, that’s not allowed at all, so why sue for divorce?
Divorce for a Catholic can only therefore lead to further sin and alienation from the church. Lest my views sound too hardline, I do realize that pastoral situations exist where the best we can hope to do is pick up the pieces and try to salvage something out of the wreckage, but even then we do so with an attitude first of all of the sanctity of marriage, a sense of grief at the destruction and a heartfelt prayer that those who suffer may have their broken hearts restored and know some healing and peace.
Hi Father, Very compelling articles about the sanctity of marriage and the abomination of divorce. I agree with you completely. You mentioned that permanent legal separation, in certain cases, may be permissible by the Church. My question is: will the Church allow or justify a civil divorce if there is consistent abuse of the children from one of the parents?I reference this from the Catechism (2383). I’d love to know your thoughts. Thank you and God bless you.
Father,I think the same logic needs to be applied to Luther and his actions. I like to make the comparison because many of my friends who are Protestant think that the Church was ordained by God, but that she “lost it” to the point where an ecclesiastical “divorce” was a necessary, inevitable evil. With all of the abuses of indulgences and the like, I would question the movement to schism on the basis that we are in a marriage, where faults are to be dealt with. That’s why when you post pictures like the one below where the Mass is treated with little seriousness, we can still love the Church and pray for her continuing sanctification.Blessings.
I’m not disputing what you are saying, Father, I just don’t know how to reconcile it with all of the annulments that are given for previous divorces. Is the church in error when it does this? Newt Gingrich just entered the church and he is on his third marriage, I believe. What are we to think of this? Does the church have a different view of marriages that occurred prior to one becoming a Roman Catholic?
Father L,I agree totally with your views, even though I have siblings who have been divorced, one never remarrying, one remarried after annulment and one remarrying without annulment. Where does annulment or its possibility fit in without first having gotten a divorce. Can a person seek an annulment without first having gotten a divorce. My guess is that since an annulment is a ruling by a tribunal that a truly sacramental marriage never existed, the divorce is not needed, and better done without. Your views?
The Feds. The civil divorce simply deals with the legal and financial aspects of a marriage. I believe if an decree of nullity is granted first the couple still need to deal with the civil aspect through divorce. But I am no canon lawyer I fear.
I agree with your comments on the sanctity of marriage. It is a very high standard however and we need to realize that it is only possible within God’s grace. It also requires the presence of the virtue of chastity. It is not unusual for persons to enter into marriage who never fully learned to live chastely as singles. It is very difficult for such to adhere to this standard in the event of separation. Perhaps more teaching is needed today on chastity as a spiritual quality.
Unfortunately, while legal separation is supposed to provide all the financial protection etc of divorce, this is not necessarily the case when it plays out in real life. Also, in the US (though not in some countries) it is necessary for a divorce to be final for 6 months before the annulment process can even begin.
Fr.Thank you for these posts.With divorce comes so many unspoken hurts and neglect for all concerned. It’s not ‘in the interests of the children’, far from it.Thank you, once again.
I was the first kid on my block to have divorced parents (about 40 years ago), and I’ll tell anyone that it’s a real mess. Divorce hurts the spouses and the children and attacks their dignity — the children feel it for DECADES. (What’s the difference between a family and a litter?)What’s really sad is that this is viewed as “normal.” God help us.While I don’t know the particulars, the bishop of the diocese has something to say about sacramental marriages, but people almost always revert to civil courts instead of eclessiastical courts.Based an what Newt Gingrich said on TV, he’s been in the process of joining the Catholic Church for about 10 years, which includes tribunal review of his previous marriages. That’s a lot of patience and humility.I don’t know very much about marriage — I just celebrated 28 years with my wife. I suspect that just when I get the hang of it, I’ll die.
Wow, these are excellent points that are too seldom made.I loved your last post about divorce as well. I’m so glad Jimmy changed his mind. My husband used to practice a bit of divorce law before we converted to Catholicism, and he saw first-hand that, even by worldly standards, divorce only compounds people’s problems. (He used to tell his stunned clients that all the time, and managed to talk some of them out of it.)BTW, I always thought you were on my blogroll and just recently realized you weren’t. Just added you. Keep up the great work!
I respect your opinion, Father, and agree that people should screen their prospective spouses and take the whole thing a lot more seriously. I’ll just say from experience in what has happened with some members of our family and also with some of my friends’ marriages that you can do all the screening and thought and preparation you want to, but sometimes people just change for the worst without any warning. My friend who divorced her husband was married to a person she (and all of us) wrongly thought for more than a decade was a great guy. I think his case, like the one Phil mentioned, was also mental illness and that sometimes rears its head without warning. I think we might all do better to spend time in prayer for those in difficult marriages and for the children involved in these situations than roundly condemning people for choices they have made. there are a lot of hurting people out there because of divorce and I’ve always wished the Church would do more to help them recover from the extreme pain of the experience. I like your suggestions about how to prepare for marriage, though, and wish more parents and clergy would stress them with their children. I think the important thing here is that we remember to embrace people with prayer and ask God to help them either to decide to stay in their marriage or, if they are divorced, to help them heal their broken spirits and return to Him.
As a child of 2 divorces, I know first hand the damage and evil of divorce. To shorten the story, after a year of marrainge counseling with a good Catholic counselor, my husband of 21 years moved out of the house. I obtained a civil divorce because there is no legal seperation in our state and after consulting with my priest/spiritual director. So, I am now a divorced woman with children who are suffering as I suffered. I absolutely believe that divorce is evil. For myself, I justify my decision to have the civil divorce with the realization that it is just recognizing through civil authority what has happened in our legal marraige. He no longer lives with us, what is mine is no longer his, and I am responsible now for supporting myself and paying my own bills. The vows I took remain and the ring will remain on my finger until there is an annullment. I know there might not be grounds for an annullment and I may spend the rest of my life alone. Despite the roller coaster of emotions, I also know that as much pain, hurt, and distrust I feel toward my husband, if the Lord changed his heart, I would be amiable to a reconciliation. (I have told the Lord I would really need His grace to be able to do that.) Maybe I was wrong to file. I prayed, consulted, and prayed more. The hope to the end was that moving forward with the legalities would bring a realization to my husband that would help him make some personal choices to return to a possibility of even a future reconciliation. So I guess I feel like my husband was no longer willing to allow me to fullfill the vows we took. I am still responsible to God, though, for living them out as fully as I can by myself. I would like to have the marraige tribunal make a ruling on a marraige, whether it is valid or not. I struggle still so much with “why?” that maybe it would help answer that question. I appreciate the thread as it is all stuff I am struggling with so deeply now. I have wanted so very dearly to conform my will to Christ’s. Ultimately, I tried to do the next right thing.