Why, I’d love to talk for a few moments with you boys. Would you like to sit here on the porch? You must get so tired riding around on those bicycles in this heat! You’re Mormons aren’t you? I can always tell–you on the bikes with your helmets on and your white shirts and ties. It’s like a uniform isn’t it?

Now, you just sit there for a moment while I get some iced tea and my special lemon cookies. No tea? Don’t worry. It’s just mint tea. I’m sure that will be just fine won’t it?

Here we are! Just push that cat aside. Shoo! Gus! You know he’s a lovable nuisance–just like a cat should be. Now you must tell me about your religion. I’m so interested to learn more about it since that nice Mr Romney is a Mormon. I’m so glad you boys are wearing name tags. Isn’t that a good idea, and let me see, you’re Elder Bradford–here’s some iced tea for you, and you’re Elder Berry. Hmm. I’m sure that get’s a lot of comments doesn’t it? Have a lemon cookie.

…Well, that’s all very interesting, and you say if I will just read the Book of Mormon before bed and say a little prayer asking for my eyes to be opened then I will understand it all and have a warm feeling in my heart that it’s true? I hope you won’t be offended, but it’s not something I feel a need to do because I already have a religion. I’m a Catholic. It took me a long time to decide, but I did in the end, and I have to admit I didn’t really have a warm feeling in my heart at the time, more like peace of mind because I had found the truth.

But I know what you mean about a warm feeling. Those moments of faith are very nice aren’t they? I’m sure both of you boys have had times when God feels very close to you, but I’ve learned over the years not to trust these things too much. I remember my Cousin Bertha was very fond of warm feelings in the heart. She was Assembly of God and used to enjoy going to the camp meeting revivals. I think she used to speak in tongues quite a bit. I went with her once and oh my goodness, everyone was weeping and crying out to Jeezus and it wasn’t really my cup of tea, and do you know Bertha once had a prophecy! She said an angel of the Lord had appeared to her and commanded her to marry the Colonel.

He wasn’t really a Colonel of course, but he used to call himself Colonel Jack Daniels. His real name was just Floyd Hitchins but he took the name Colonel Jack Daniels because that was his favorite drink, and Cousin Bertha didn’t know that she being a teetotaler and all. So she obeyed the warm feeling in her heart she had when she had the prophecy and she went and married the Colonel and was miserable her whole long life because he couldn’t hold down a job and he used to come home every Friday night and knock her about something frightful and call her a religious fanatic. I suppose it was all for her soul’s salvation, but it was not very nice to see, and I personally think she would have been better off not to have ever had that warm feeling in the heart.

So if you forgive me boys, but I do thank you for the  Book of Mormon, but I’m not going to look for any warm feelings in the heart. Who knows what sort of trouble that might get me into! But I’ll tell you what, you just sit there for a minute and I’m going to go and get you boys a couple of rosaries and a little booklet that will tell you how to use it. I’m sure you’ll like it. Now, I can’t guarantee that you’ll get a warm feeling in your heart, but it will bring you some peace I reckon.

You don’t want to worship Mary? Oh, don’t you worry about that. We don’t worship Mary, but she is our Mother and the Good Lord says “Honor your Father and Mother” so that’s just what we Catholics do when we pray the rosary.

Well, it’s been real nice meeting you boys, and I hope you go safely on those bicycles of yours! I must say I admire your enthusiasm and zeal. If only more of our Catholic boys got on their bikes and spread the good news–why I don’t think we’d be in such a bad way if they did!