It seems to me in the present state of affairs in Ireland that the abundance of children is impeding the men and women of Ireland from pursuing one of life’s inalienable rights, the pursuit of happiness. The situation for Irish women, especially, is dire. They are virtually forced to have more children than they want.

When an Irish woman becomes pregnant, her career aspirations are halted and she cannot move forward with her life and the pursuit of happiness–especially the happiness of unrestrained sexual pleasure. The fact that this freedom is with held from the Irish woman is a terrible crime, and a solution must be found.

Therefore I would suggest a modest proposal which would alleviate the problem, while at the same time relieving the poverty of the Irish people.

Why should not the women of Ireland produce children to supplement the food supply? “A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.” Once butchered, the child could be processed in a food processing plant and perhaps be marketed in the form of the delectable Irish sausage. Along with mashed potatoes and boiled cabbage this delicacy would become instantly popular at Irish cultural evenings the world over. With a glass of Guiness, some shamrocks, bagpipes and Irish dancing the evening would be complete.

These Irish evenings could be advertised as “A Taste of Old Ireland” or “Those Irish Eyes Are Smiling”

There are, of course, other solutions which would also enable the women of Ireland to pursue happiness without restraint. Their unborn children could be eliminated before they are born. If the procedure were done efficiently, the body parts could be sold on to research facilities, ground up to make cosmetics and sold for various medical purposes. The offspring who are born could be kept happy and healthy until they were seven or eight years old, at which point they could be put to sleep in order to harvest their organs for transplants.

All of these solutions would empower the men and women of Ireland by not only disposing of the excess Irish children, but increase the revenue stream for the Irish economy.

Should this modest proposal be put in place it would solve all the problems.

The men and women of Ireland could continue to enjoy relations with one another without restraint, and they would be able to do so without contravening their church’s laws against artificial contraception. Indeed, the more pregnancies the better, because with my modest proposal the result of the pregnancies will either add to the food supply and boost the Irish economy making Irish sausages one of the most valuable export items, or it would boost medical research, availability of body parts for transplant and make Ireland one of the world’s largest organ transplant exporters.

If the proposal is adopted and implemented, I can see that further steps would only add to the success. As the market grows for Irish sausages the elderly and criminally insane could also be included in the fast growing Irish economy. Offering the poor souls a day outing to  the sausage factory would make their final hours an enjoyable outing which they would remember forever. The economic benefit of not having to pay for their upkeep while at the same time boosting the Irish sausage industry would be a double benefit to the Emerald Isle.