A Sliver of Slubgrip Instructs

Slubgrip Instructs is the sequel to The Gargoyle Code—my first Screwtape Letters-type book designed to be read for Lent. In Slubgrip Instructs the demons Slubgrip has been demoted to teach Popular Culture 101 in Bowelbages University in hell.

As in The Gargoyle Code the book is broken down into daily readings for Lent. In the first book they were one letter per day. In this book it is one lecture a day.

I wrote this book in order to teach in an entertaining way the different forms of relativism that undermine the Catholic faith in our society. Anybody can enjoy it, but I really wanted it to hit a high school and college age audience.

Here’s an excerpt–the reading for Ash Wednesday.

Chamber 101

Bell clanging. Crowd voices and movement. Slubgrip’s voice is heard above the din.

Come to order! Come to order! Worms! Slimetoads! Grubs and Slugs, come to order!

This is Popular Culture 101. If you are meant to be in this class, then do me the courtesy of sitting down and shutting up. Now then, that’s better. Nothing worse than starting off the day with your interminable grunting, squeaking and popping.

What’s that? No, this is not Psychology and Psychosis taught by Dr. Froth. That’s a third-level course—far above you. You may be confusing that course with Psychiatrists and Psychopaths. Professor Shrank teaches that next door. Off you go.

You are no doubt feeling gratified that you have not only moved up from paramecium, but progressed on to larva, and now you have graduated to the maggot class. However, remember that you are still worms, and you have an awful lot to learn, and much to suffer, before you can hope to move up to the next level. Remember fish bait, my dear fellows. Remember fish bait.

Grimwort you fat toad, do you have the attendance rosters ready? Well, get on with it—and stop sticking your tongue out like that. You know how it annoys me! Class, meet Grimwort, Associate Professor and my general gofer. Grimwort has been longing to be made a full professor for years, but he doesn’t really have what it takes, do you, Grimwort?

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Slubgrip and this is Popular Culture 101, or as it is sometimes called, “Pop Cult.” As you have moved from the larva class, you will have no doubt mastered the simpler levels of temptation. Professor Crapulous will have taken you through the basic dimensions of rage and violence, while Dr. Strangle’s sessions on lust and perversion will, no doubt, have tickled your disgusting adolescent imaginations. I hope you will remember Tepshank’s classic lectures on sloth and despair, not forgetting Dr. Snout’s lessons on gluttony, drunkenness and addictions.

All that is behind you now, my dear flukes. If you have got this far, then you have passed the exams and shown at least a basic understanding of the foundations of the art of tempting. Those of you who have been at all observant will see that our class begins on the day the Enemy calls “Ash Wednesday.” “Ash Wednesday” they call it! I’ll show the miserable creatures ashes—but not before they have some flames first….but there I’m getting off track again. Let me see…

Oh yes, this horrible day begins the season they call Lent. It’s an annual remembrance of Our Father Below’s encounter with that fraudulent carpenter from Nazareth. To counteract this hideous observance we will observe a six-week intensive course—meeting here every day Monday through Friday. On Saturday and Sunday I will hand you over to a guest lecturer who will instruct you in his or her own specialized area of expertise.

Be ready for some hard work, and be assured that I have your files on record. I know every moment of laziness, every betrayal—every failure. I know how each one of you miserable nematodes lost souls to the Enemy. I know the excuses you made. I know how you wriggled and squirmed and squeaked and bleated when it was your turn to be devoured at the banquet below. I know how you languished in the dark, frozen lands before your miserable parts were collected up and formed again first into paramecia and flatworms, then into a revolting, slimy larva. I know your whole sad and despicable histories, my dear worms, and believe me, I won’t let you forget it.

Therefore, over the next few sessions, my dear fellows, we will be considering the delightful area of temptation called popular culture, and Toad Grimwort and I shall have to crack the whip. Your minuscule brains will be stretched here, I can tell you, because we will be spending time on the background philosophies we have so carefully crafted which make our successes in the realm of popular culture so easy to maintain and cultivate.

Before you go, you disgusting slugs, write down your homework assignment. I want you to start reading your textbook—chapter one, “Relativism and Reality”—in preparation for Friday’s lecture. Class dismissed. Grimwort, look sharp. Hand out those homework schedules like I told you!

Footsteps. Student voices rise and rumble. Snoring is heard. A shriek of pain. Voice of Slubgrip:

Slurge—Get off Norman’s back! No need to sink your teeth into him just because he dumped salt on your head. Learn to take a joke, dear boy. Learn to take a joke.