In Slubgrip Instructs the demon Slubgrip teaches Popular Culture 101 in Bowelbages University in hell. I set up this device to teach the various ploys, stratagems, ideologies and lies that Satan uses in our popular culture to undermine the faith.

Each day he lectures the student slugs and parasites in the ways of the world.

However, to break up the monotony–for hell is surely monotonous–I introduced a whole range of other demonic characters who are the guest lecturers on the weekends. One is a faded Hollywood starlet, another a prosperity preacher, another a New Age teacher. I thought I’d share with y’all an excerpt:

Tomorrow’s guest is Claxton–a corrupt politician. No prizes for who the inspiration was…

Chamber 101

A smooth, charming voice with a slight Southern drawl. It is the demon Claxton:

Well, how are y’all doing? My old friend Slubgrip said you were just about the brightest bunch of students he’s ever had the privilege of teaching.

I felt lucky to be invited to be your guest speaker today on the subject of politics and practicality. Now, let me tell you something, fellas, if you should happen to find yourself in charge of a politician one day, you will have landed on your feet. Politicians are just about the easiest work you can get. Shucks, the fellows I’ve had from time to time have been so easy that I sometimes wondered who was tempting whom! I barely had an idea for some sort of skullduggery before they had already thought of it.

Of course, once in a while you do find a politician who starts out with some misguided idea that he is going to “serve the people.” That doesn’t last long. You can turn that one around lickety split. When he lines up with the rest of them to get his snout in the trough, all you have to do is tell him that he’s taking the bribes, the pork, the kickbacks so that he can better serve the people. Tell him he’s doing it for them. He’s bringing jobs to the district and so forth.

The other ones who are a curiosity are the ones who still believe they have come into politics to “make the world a better place.” They might seem to you to be a nuisance, but believe me, they are the best politicians of all. What you need to do is feed them some sort of ideology. It really doesn’t matter which—right-wing conservatism or left-wing communism—they’re all the same as long as you make sure your man is willing to impose his ideology on others.

The trick is to make sure his ideology is half-right and half-wrong. Remember, boys, the half-truth is always more convincing than either the whole truth or a whole lie. Mix it up. If your politician is on the left, it’s fine if he thinks he is helping the poor, ending poverty and bringing peace and justice to the world, but to do all that you must get him to destroy the family and the Enemy’s quaint idea of “morality.” Get him to vote for abortion not because he wants to kill babies, but because he wants to help women. Get him to vote for same-sex marriage not because he wants to destroy family life, but because he wants to bring about justice for gay people. Get him to vote for wealth redistribution not because he wants to rob the rich, but because he wants to help the poor. It’s always a delight to get the humans to do the wrong deed for the right reason. Politicians are especially good at it.

If your man is right-wing, you play the same trick. Get him to start a war—not because he’s invading another country to plunder their wealth, but because he is bringing them liberty and freedom. Get him to vote for low taxes and small government, not because he wants to make the rich richer, but because he wants to “give opportunity to the little guy.” You get the idea. Set them up against each other, and never allow your politician to be in favor of both traditional morality and a bias for the poor. The right wing should support the rich but favor traditional morality. The left wing should support the poor and favor progressive morality.

Make sure your man always does what is practical. He needs to make decisions on a utilitarian basis. Tell him that’s the best way to serve the people. Once you’ve set that up, it will be easy for you to get him to wage war, oppress the workers, drive the nation into debt, make corrupt deals for his cronies and do just about every form of evil under the sun.

With that philosophy in place, he will do all those things and think himself a clever politician, and when he retires, he will paint himself as an elder statesman and pretend to go around the world as a “peacekeeper” or “human rights campaigner” while all the time he’s also collecting fat fees on the speakers’ circuit and using his contacts to hook fat “consultancy” fees.

Dowdy will be in tomorrow to talk to you about journalism. Good luck to you!

Slubgrip Instructs is available in book form, but it is also available as an e-book and the new audio book which I read and take all the parts. Get the book directly from my website here and use the links on that page to go over and learn more about the e-book and audio book. Donor Subscribers can email me with this month’s code for a free audio book version.