Ah cain’t help noticing that this here Starbucks keeps setting up new coffee shops all over South Carolina

My and my younguns were comin’ back from church and headin’ for the rifle range for some practice, and goshdarn if I ain’t seen another one of them liberal, communist coffee shops opening up. I said to Houston (he’s my fourth boy), “Son, look at that sign up air. You see that?”

“Yessir.” he said.

“You see that mermaid kinda woman on that Starbucks sign?”

“I can see it Daddy!” says San Antonia. She’s my girl.

“That there is a pagan symbol of a mother goddess–the goddess of the sea and the moon. That Starbucks is a devil worshipping kinda place.”

“What are they doin here in South Carolina Pa?” says my boy Austin. He’s the oldest. He’s fourteen.

“They come here from out West in Seattle where all them folks are feminists and homos and communists.”

“What’s a homo papa?”

“You never mind about that San Antonia.”

“Daddy, why do them folks want to worship a pagan moon goddess?” asks Dallas. He’s my second boy. “Don’t they want to be Baptists and love Jesus?”

Then Alamo pipes up. He’s number three. “Them folks are all vegetarian and stuff. They don’t even eat chicken.”

All the kids scream out laughing, “You mean they don’t like Chick-Fil-A”?


Austin says, “Daddy, I got my shotgun loaded up. When you drive by you want me to take a shot at that demon mermaid woman on the sign?”

“Better not son.”

Then San Antonia starts sniffling, “I don’t want them devil worshipping Starbucks women here Daddy. Why don’t they go on home to Seattle and New York where they belong?”

Austin says real quiet like, “Daddy. I been in one of those Starbucks oncet.”

Houston says, “You never!”

“Yes I sure did. I went in one time when Aunt Phyllis and her friend was here.”

Dallas whispered, “What was it like? Was they worshipping devils in there?”

Austin says, “It was real quiet like and everybody was asking for coffee and they had come kind of secret language. Like they didn’t say ‘small or medium’ or anything it was something foreign like cap of china and rio grande. I couldn’t figure it out noway.”

I was pretty mad that Phyllis and her friend Janet took my boy to a Starbucks, but I kept my mouth shut. No sense talking mean about those women in the children’s hearing.

Well anyway, I told the kids they shouldn’t shoot up the mermaid sign because it wouldn’t be Christian, but they should just turn the other cheek. That set the boys to giggling, but I told them if they was real good when we were done at the shooting range I’d take them to get a Chick-Fil-Sandwich, waffle fries and a Dr Pepper.

Then San Antonia says, “You cain’t do that Daddy. They’s closed on Sundays!”