Guest blogger, The Rev’d Humphrey Blytherington is retired Vicar of St Hilda’s, Little Snoring with All Saints, Great Snoring. He is a graduate of Plymouth University. He completed his studies for the ministry at Latimer Hall, Durham. He is married to Daphne and in his retirement still enjoys home brewing, model railroading and is an avid member of the Great Snoring Morris Dancers.

Ah! Clive my old friend! So nice to see you! Come pull up a chair here by the fire. It’s mighty frigid out there isn’t it? January in Norfolk can be a proper dish of frozen peas. A pint of lager shandy? Don’t mind if I do. Thank you so much, and would you be able to manage a packet of crisps on the side? Beef and pickled onion flavor please. Thanks.

How are you finding things over at Our Lady of Fatima these days? Daphne says it’s awfully difficult to understand that young priest you’ve got from Kenya. Daff says the problem would be solved if you chaps all went back to having everything in Latin. I did Latin at school you know? Never very good at it. Veni,Vici,Vidi is about all I remember. That and Et Tu Brute. But hold on that’s Shakespeare isn’t it? I can’t remember I’m afraid.

You know Clive, I’m not the vicar at St Hilda’s anymore, but I still turn up most Sundays for Matins and I know Penelope the new vicar is a bit downcast at the rather large number of you folks who have abandoned ship for the papists. She’s working awfully hard you know to keep things together. In my day it was just the two parishes. Poor gal has got ten country parishes to keep afloat–all of them huge medieval barns. I know she keeps banging on about the need to be kind to pansies and she’s trying to turn the churchyards into naturist preserves–all well and good,  but she’s got a steep hill to climb. Such big drafty churches! Hard to heat and no toilets. No wonder you chaps have beetled off to Our Lady of Fatima. Father Kenyatta is not easy and the church isn’t much to look at, but at least you’ve got heating that works and a decent loo.

I say, I wonder what you think of this new Archbishop of Canterbury? That Welby chap threw in the towel because a friend of his was a bit to zealous with disciplining the boys at his summer camp. I don’t see the problem myself. When I was at school nobody had a second thought about the HM preferring the stick to the carrot–he was the Reverend Canon Hugh Abernathy at the time as I remember. He was known for giving the miscreants six of the best on the lower deck. But things were different then. We expected school to be tough. Cold porridge for breakfast, mashed turnips and gravy for supper and a digestive biscuit– if you were good– at tea time. Cold showers, itchy pajamas and a matron who was fearless and bosomy. Ahh. Those were the days! Happiest days of my life!

Anyway my old friend, I’m pottering along. Happy to be retired I must say, and the new Archbishop of Canterbury? Seems like a nice enough chap. I’m not too keen on his hairdo. Looks a bit like that pop singer fellow what’s he called? John Elton? I heard someone–I forget who–grumbling that they are going to find it difficult to call this chap “Bishop Sarah” but I don’t personally have a problem with it. I mentioned this to Daff over the toast and marmalade the other morning and she said the whole thing was ridiculous. We had a bit of a tiff over it, I must admit. I commented that it shouldn’t be too much of a problem for her–after all you papists have a Cardinal called Sarah. What can be the fuss?

So I think this new chap Sarah may be a good thing. A breath of fresh air. Seems he served as a nurse for a time and came into the church a bit late. Did his theology at one of those go away for the weekend to a country house and drink tea and discuss your spiritual journey sort of theology courses. Jolly good thing too. Got some real life experience in the church. I’ve thought for a long time that we go a bit overboard on the books, libraries, Oxford and Cambridge thing. We’ve got enough bookworms in the clergy. Time for some bedpans instead is what I say!

So I wish this Sarah chap all the very best of luck. I haven’t heard his views on women’s ordination yet. Do you know what he thinks about that Clive?

For veteran readers of my blog–back in the day I featured a wide cast of “Guest bloggers”–alter egos I devised for my own–and the readers’ entertainment. The Vicar was one of the earliest ones. If you want to read more of the archived entries you can use the “Categories” drop down menu in the right sidebar. You can also purchase a short story I wrote featuring Humph and Daphne. It’s available as an e-book here